So many good things to share.  God is moving and I need to share.

Where to start?  Lets go with school first.  I've been taking this corporate finance class online and it was KICKING MY TAIL.  I know that you all are rolling your eyes and saying to yourself 'ummmm - she says this every.single.time.'... but no exaggeration - three weeks into the eight week class I was sitting on a 75% for the class.  And if I drop below a 73% I get a big fat 'F'.  I was concerned to say the least.  I contacted my instructor, but had little hopes of help because I have had this same professor for a different class and had a really bad experience with him.  I was expecting nothing.  Turns out he is teaching the same class on Thursday nights, and he invited me to come sit in the class to see if it would help. 

I was super reluctant, because I really had a hard time believing he would help at all given my last experience (it was THAT bad), but decided to go and try it out because I was that desperate.  Long story short I was totally wrong in my opinion of him (I love it when a first bad impression of someone is proven wrong).  Not only is he letting me take the rest of the class in person instead of online, but he gave me the opportunity to redo some of the work I had already turned in, and because of that I have already pulled my average up to 79% in a week!    Add in the bonus of a new, GOOD relationship with my professor, and my stress level dropping DRAMATICALLY, and that is a LOT of answered prayer.  Yay!

New topic.  Found out last week that I will be traveling again soon.  I was really struggling with it because so many people have been praying with me for God to provide a way out having to travel again and I really thought that He was going to make a way for that to happen.  I felt a little deflated and disappointed, but my equilibrium has been restored as God has been faithful to remind me that I just need to trust Him.  Just because He doesn't work things out the way that I think would be best for me doesn't mean that He isn't working on my behalf, and doesn't mean that He isn't listening, and doesn't mean that He loves me any less.  What it DOES mean is that I have another opportunity to trust and to learn more about His heart for me.  And that is pretty exciting. 

Coming to that place has helped as I prepare to go back out. And today I actually started to get excited about some of my upcoming trips...I am going to get to see some pretty country and new places.  It's all going to be okay.  It is a little amazing to me that I am excited, and I consider that excitement just another gift. 

In addition to all of that goodness, I was contacted by a director in our group yesterday and she wants to sponsor me in a program at work designed to develop people that they identify as having leadership potential.  I have no idea what it will mean for the future, but it is cool to be noticed (especially with my limited amount of time actually IN the office with my current job) and identified as someone to participate in the program.  Humbling.  Cool.  Happy.

Hmmmmm - what else? Last week, my friend Amber had the flu...With all the health/immunity issues that I have been having I was concerned about too much exposure, so when the forecast called for lots of snow last Tuesday, I called my friends John and Jane Ray and asked if I could come get snowed in at their house.    They are my family away from my biological family, and welcomed me with open arms.  Wednesday morning came and with it, Snowmageddon in Northwest Arkansas.  We had about 20 inches in Fayetteville...it was BEAUTIFUL.  I was nearly giddy with the snow and the time off of work, and my precious Ray family to spend so much time with. 

We played games (Ligretto and Settlers of Catan), made cookies, bread and yummy soup, went sledding and traipsing about in the snow, laid about on the couches with coffee/tea by the fireplace, watched movies and Netflix...it was perfect, and relaxing and filled up my spirit and refreshed my tired body.  Like my own little mini retreat.  So many precious new memories with old friends...so good.

Throughout the week I was having some abdominal discomfort, but was trying to ignore it because 1) I was snowed in and so was everyone else, and 2) I was hoping that it would go away on it's own.  Well, I woke up in incredible pain in the wee hours of the morning.  I don't remember hurting like that in my life - broken bones and surgeries included.  It was that bad.  I called my mom and asked her to pray, and texted some precious friends who I knew would pray and waited to see what would happen.  Jane woke up and asked why there was a bowl beside me on the couch (I had been throwing up and was afraid of not being able to make it to the bathroom in time), and eventually talked me into going to the doctor.  Except when we called the doctor they said to go to the ER because it sounded like it might be my appendix.  So she loaded me up and took me to the hospital.  Hours and lots of tests later it was determined that it wasn't my appendix that was the source of the pain, but a ruptured cyst on my left ovary.  (haha - sorry if that is TMI) They sent me home to rest with some mega painkillers. 

That may sound like a bad thing, but I have to tell you - while it isn't a physical experience that I would like to repeat, it was just another testimony of God's goodness.  Even in the midst of the pain, there was peace and I was overwhelmed by the love that I was showered with.  I knew people were praying, calling and texting to check on me...Jane stayed with me the whole time at the hospital - precious time that we rarely get together one on one.  Best of all, I wasn't afraid.  It was one of those moments were I realized that all of those little moments of trust that I have been working on leading up to this week were building my trust muscles and that felt really good.  Not that I 'have arrived' by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm moving in the right direction, you know?  Awesome.

Well...that's pretty much it for now...sorry I ran long again.  I really should update more frequently.  Or be less wordy.

Haha.  I'll work that out later.

Once again, my blog is going to be the venue that I use to write my way through some things. I think I may just go for random train of thought and work my way through....  This could potentially be wordy and roundabout.  I am warning you now .

I tried to give blood at work today.  It was going to be my 24th time with the Ozark Community Blood Center, which meant that I got my 3 gallon pin from them.  Random to have a pin (To wear when? Do people randomly wear those pins out and about?) given to you for donating blood.  Even more odd that I felt pretty dang good about receiving said pin, even though I will never wear it and it will probably end up put in a drawer with other things that have weirdo sentimental value but no real place/space/home. 

I don't actually have a lot of those kinds of things anymore.  Moving three times in the last three and a half years has pared down the amount of 'stuff' that I have to that which can be contained to one room and a bit of storage.  I am grateful for the opportunity to simplify things, but if I think about it could get kind of depressed over how little I have to show for 35 years on this planet. So I just don't think about that right now. No sense in it.  It only makes me grumpy and ungrateful.  And I don't want to be ungrateful...in fact I fight it with every bit of me when I sense the slightest bit creeping in.  I am all too aware of how UNAWARE I can be of ungratefulness in my life...so I nip it when I recognize it, and pray that the people in my life will point it out when I DON'T recognize it.  That is one of the (many) reasons that I value my friends who are 'truth-speakers' so much.

It has been snowing and icy here in NWA- so much so that I haven't actually driven my car in the past four days.  It just hasn't been necessary - one of the perks of living with someone who 1) works in the same building as me 2) has a huge truck with four wheel drive, and 3) isn't afraid to use it or drive in the ice.  The only drawback is that when everyone else is calling in and having a legitimate excuse to not be at work for a few days, I have none.  So I am one of the few that has been there consistently this week....not that I really mind so much - I missed two days last week because I wasn't feeling well, so....I guess it all evens out.  I can't figure out if it is just that the storms have been that bad, or that NWA road crews just aren't as equipped to deal with it as the crews back home. Probably not worth wasting too many brain cells on.  Suffice it to say - it's been an adventure.

I just realized that I never finished the donating blood story...(told you this was going to be the long way around)...long story short, I was rejected for the first time because I didn't pass the blood iron levels needed for giving blood.  I had wondered, but was going to try anyway.  I was surprised at how disappointed I was to be turned away.  PLUS they finger-stuck me twice just to make sure.  Insult to injury.  Hah. 

Listening to Watermark as I type this...their music never ceases to remind me of Aundrea.  Been missing her a lot lately.  When she died I was so afraid of forgetting things that I wanted desperately to remember.  I've never been super good at remembering things anyway - or maybe it is just the details...I tend to remember the way I FELT in a given situation or time period or whatever rather than the specific details of the event, and I wanted to hold on to some of those things as long as I could - so I started a journal specifically to write down things as I remembered them.  I knew it wouldn't all be remembered at one time, so I created a place to put those memories as they came up.  I am really grateful for that now.  I still pull it out and add to it - or read it on those days when I miss her more. People used to tell me the last few years of our friendship that we sounded a lot alike. It wasn't that our voices sounded the same, but that we had spent so much time together that a lot of our vernacular had fused and been adopted from each other.  I was really sad last year when I realized that my "Aundrea-ism's" weren't really there anymore.  Like I had to learn a new language because my best friend wasn't there to interpret it anymore. Weird.  I know. It may not even make sense to anyone else...but all of that to say - I am grateful I started that particular journal because it holds those precious memories.  Someday I will make the scrapbook of all scrapbooks of our friendship.  Years of cards and pictures and letters and emails and memories/momentos.  I want to do it, but the thought is still a bit overwhelming, so I have yet to tackle it. Someday.

Haha - total departure here - I just picked up my iPhone to see the name of the current song playing and after looking at the title, just chucked the phone onto the bed next to me.  Apparently that is something akin to hitting a shuffle button when you are playing music because it randomly made a shuffle type noise and began playing a new song. Interesting...that happened one other time, but I thought it was a fluke.  Hmmm - I guess it wasn't.

Reading in Psalms today I came across this verse in chapter 34, verse 18...

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." 

I am sure I have read this verse before...probably multiple times. But today was a day that I needed to read it and be comforted.  The Lord has me in a phase of life that I have never been in before - and while that is not a bad thing, there are aspects that have left me broken and broken-hearted (in the best way possible I suppose, seeing as it is now that the Lord is beginning to take those pieces and mend them).  When I read this verse today it immediately brought to mind an image of me with all kinds of broken lines and shattered pieces (like a broken mirror that still retains it shape) - the fault lines left by the earthquake of life evident all over my body and spirit.  Superimposed over that image of me however, was this sense of the Lords presence drawing near to me and covering over all of those places.  I'm not explaining it well, but it was so comforting.  I've been reading a lot in Psalms lately and keep finding myself drawn to those verses that talk about Him being a shelter, a covering, a shield, etc.  I love the idea of Him hiding me away.  There have been so many times lately when my insides just feel bruised. How fantastic in those moments to be able to picture myself being tucked up under God's 'wing' and held close to His heart.  Regardless of what I've done, or what's been done to me - that is a safe place should I choose to stay there and not wiggle out. Still working on that.

Doing this step study with Celebrate Recovery (CR) has brought a lot of this about.  We just finished the first of four study books and are now embarking on the second.  This one is all about making a 'fearless moral inventory' of our lives.  We haven't really gotten into it at this point - only laid the groundwork for what is to come, so I don't have a whole lot more to tell you about that right now. That was really only preface to the fact that I had an 'Ah-ha' moment this past week...(because everyone loves a good preface)

At any rate - I have been struggling with being obedient to follow through on something that I have known for a while the Lord was asking me to do.  I knew what it would cost me emotionally, and on a lot of other levels, and so I resisted and put it off, and justified myself to death with reasons why it was okay to not do what I knew He was asking me to do.  I had talked to my CR sponsor about it last week and finally decided that I was ready to do it, and actually followed through with the obedient part. 

And you know what?  It was every bit as horrible as I thought it was going to be.  It was gut-wrentchingly painful, and left me feeling desolate and more alone than I can ever remember feeling.  I was a little surprised to be quite honest, because I knew it was something He was asking me to do, and I suppose I thought that there would be this mad crazy supernatural peace about the whole thing...and there wasn't.  At least not right away.  The next day, and this week - yes, absolutely. But that day?  Nope. I suppose I could try and dissect it to try and figure out if it was because I was refusing to be comforted or otherwise not doing something right to resist the grace offered in the moment, but there really isn't a point at this juncture because this whole week has been an exercise in walking in His grace and peace.

I am sure you are wondering how all of this relates to CR, and I am trying to get there - honestly...because I think that this is the very reason that I was compelled to write tonight.  I realized this last week in the aftermath of my 'big' decision to be obedient, that I have had a life-long fear of being alone.  Still working out the particulars (what is the root, what the Lord wants to do with it now that it is exposed, where to go from here, etc), but basically I looked back at the now glaringly obvious pattern of attaching myself to a specific person for a season throughout my life and never really having to be alone because I always had that 'best friend'.  I was always really careful not to smother - I knew all too well that smothering and being possessive is never something desired in any kind of healthy relationship...so I was careful, but at the same time never could really imagine life without that BFF (or two or three).  When I started thinking about it last week I was able to track starting at age 6 specific people that I had leaned very heavily on during every single solitary moment of my memory.  Those friends were where I found my identity. (And yes - I DO realize what I just wrote)

Fast forward to now.  I have been amazingly blessed with an amazing circle of women from all kinds of backgrounds, of various ages, with different tastes, diverse skill sets, a kaleidescope of personalities who all have one thing in common.  They love Jesus.  And for that I am so much more grateful than I can express in words. (yep - many of these friends are YOU who are actually reading this!)  Despite having this amazing group of women in my life that will speak God's truth to me, pray for me and are only a phone call away - I am in what feels like a season of quietness and aloneness.  I don't really like it to be quite honest.  I know I SHOULD, and I am doing my best to not resist what the Lord wants to do during this time, but there are plenty of times when the aloneness feels physically heavy and oppressive, and I don't like it at all.  It is weird to have spent my whole life doing everything in my power to PREVENT being lonely or alone, and to now find myself in this space of having far more of both than I would prefer.  I have to fight my instinct to go and be and do in an attempt to fill in those spaces, when what I know I need to be doing (and am pleased to report is my response about 80% of the time as of the writing of this blog) is to consistently and persistently lean into the Lord and throw myself at Him when the lonely/aloneness overcomes me.

I am quite happy to report that He has proven Himself faithful to show up with comfort, perspective and healing every time I have asked.  It's been a roller-coaster to be sure. The grief contained in this past couple of weeks over what has been lost, my own failures, and other things of life continue to assault and roll over me like the ebb and flow of waves on the shore.  When those tides come and threaten to overcome me it is often a moment by moment struggle to turn to Him.  (Am I the only person in the world who can sometimes only say 'Oh God...help' in these moments?  It feels like I should at this point in my life be able to form better prayers...)  I know that I am not alone.  I know that this is a season.  I know that God is faithfully working things out in my life that I have never let Him touch before.  My constant prayer is that this pain will not be wasted....and He promised that it wouldn't be if I let Him have it.  So there you have it.

The fingers are starting to get tired, and my eyes are getting droopy which means that I probably need to sign off here for now. If you made it this far....wow.  Thanks. 

Night all....