January 5, 2011
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Light and fluffy/fake? Or harsh and real?
I had the best of intentions to keep this blog light and fluffy. Who really wants to hear someone moan and gripe and complain all the time? Certainly not me. Talk about Debbie Downer (wah-wah). Growing up (insert steady stream of consciousness here) my mom had a friend from high school who would send out newsletters about once or twice a year to catch people up on her life. Unfortunately all she could seem to focus on was the negative stuff. You know - glass half full kind of pessimism...My parents would end up laughing their way through the letters because they were filled to the brim with all of the negative crap going on in her life (and seriously, my parents are some of the nicest people you will ever meet - they weren't being ugly, I promise), and they would finally reach the point of laughing because there was just no other response to have...
I have this serious fear that somehow I am going to end up like that friend. I am constantly trying to figure out how to be real and not plastic (as in being honest with others and sharing struggles, rather than constantly faking that I have it all together), not walking in denial of the hurts, habits and hangups in my life while trying to balance all of the good things and not sound ALL.OF.THE.TIME like life sucks. Make sense? I don't know how to find the middle ground, but desperately want to. I want to be real, but not depressing.
With all of that said, this is not light and fluffy feel good time. Feel free to stop reading if you want.
Truth is, I am really having hard time right now. I am really tired of being alone. I was doing okay with being single. But now I am not. And it sucks because in addition to the loneliness, I have to battle the tapes that continually play in my head when I feel like this. The ones that say that I am not enough (not pretty enough, not thin enough, not feminine enough, not petite enough, not sweet enough, and so on...) or that I am too much (too loud, too emotional, too opinionated, too big, too independent, too DEPENDENT (yeah - figure that one out and get back to me), too standoffish, blah, blah, blah). It is relentless, unforgiving, harsh, and only gets worse and worse . Makes me want to do 2 things. 1) Go back to old ways of self-destructive and harmful ways of coping (because it is what is familiar and comfortable) and 2) dig a hole to climb in and hide for a long time.
I do have enough perspective to realize that these feelings come in cycles and that this too shall pass at some point. I have the advantage of knowing what I NEED to do (seek the Lord, continually remind myself who I am in Christ, spend time in the Word, gather the support of people who love me, etc)...however, I am really, really tired and don't even feel like fighting to follow through on those things. (which starts a new tape-playing in my head about what a freaking cry-baby whinebag quitter I am...grrr)
So there you go. Pray if you will. Hopefully you will have light and fluffy Havah back soon.
Comments (5)
I hear you. It's January which follows December which is the month of higher than normal expectations. It is the coldest month of the year. Which adds up to a total let down in my book. I painted my kitchen and dining room yellow, Mieke's room is yellow and I wear all the bright clothes I can find at the stores. I had on a navy turtleneck today and after one look in the mirror I ripped it off and found my hot pink workout shirt. I bundle up and walk to the post office or just to the mail box and back if it is too cold. When I was single (not so long ago) I did all these things plus hang out with the Muccis. You need to get yourself adopted to a family. It saved my life so many times. Literally. I am sending up prayers and hugs for you. And sometimes when you are tired, the most spiritual thing you can do is sleep. And this mini is a pirate to scare away the January blues.
Personally, I like the real Havah. I think you are a great balance of "light and fluffy" & "getting real".
I know you're having a tough time, and I hate that for you. You are definitly in my prayers, and though I can't physically hug you now, I am sending a big cyber hug: (((((Havah)))))
You are one of the bravest souls I know. I'm proud of you and honored to call you friend.
You know what? Light and fluffy all the time is just as annoying as Debbie Downer all the time. What you just did is being real and that's good. I think it's also a good thing that you have perspective, that you know the right things to do, that you know the choices you have to make. You can probably think of a time when those things weren't so clear to you. I'm praying that God will fill you with the courage and will to follow through and that you will be able to get some good rest this week (not just sleeping, but rest for a weary soul). ((hugs))
You hang in there!! Even if it's by a toenail!! It's work work work to let God break strongholds in your life, but when you are free. you will be free indeed! Praying for instantaneous break throughs!
And you are NOT a Debbie Downer!
Hey friendy. Sorry I missed this when you posted it. I'm just trying to get my xanga grove back.
I think u rock. Praying for you.
Trying to think of an inappropriate yet not too bizarre way to mention downward dog here. But I'm at a loss.