So I colored my hair tonight.  In keeping with my Dave Ramsey new budgeting style (all the cool kids are doing it - haha), I have been working on cutting unnecessary expenses, and well - lets just say a ten dollar box of hair color is WAY cheaper than what I have been paying to have my hair done.  I haven't done my own color in probably ten years, and to say that this made me nervous is a HUGE understatement.  Now that it is done however, it is okay....maybe not my exact preference, but not horrible either.  I can definitely deal with this on my way to being debt free.   Also, another benefit would be that I had forgotten how silky soft my hair feels after being colored out of a box though - definitely like that part!!

I would take pictures, but - well actually, I am too lazy to do my hair at this point tonight and too vain to post a picture without having made some attempt at fixing myself up.  Haha - you see my dilemma...

Classes started again this week.  This would be the semester to take Corporate Finance.  I haven't ever done a finance class before, but I think I am really going to like it based on what I have read so far in my textbook.  The problems and homework are taking some time, but it feels like time well spent.  It isn't easy, but it is fun (if that makes any sense at all!) and I think it is going to be super good for me in the long run.

I was sitting in the cafeteria at work today, eating lunch and working on homework when a lady standing in line next to my table asked what class I was studying for.  Turns out she is in the same class, with the same instructor, only taking it in the classroom instead of online.  She gave me her name and told me to look her up if I ever wanted to talk about class stuff.   I was pretty excited to meet a fellow student, and so after lunch I went to look her up to send her an email and turns out she is a VP in our group.  This is cool on a lot of different levels - most notably because I am excited about having someone to talk school with who is in the same class as me.  I was also excited because I have been wanting to find a woman to mentor me at work (I have a mentor, but he works in a different part of the company and as a male really doesn't have the same perspective) - I don't know that I have even formed it into a thought out prayer, but it has been a desire of mine for some time.  I don't want to assume that this will end up as that sort of relationship, but wouldn't it be just like the Lord to do that for me...even without me outright asking? 

Lots of cool things have been going on over here.  I need to blog more.  I don't feel like I have a lot of down time right now, and there are lots of demands on my time, but I want this record of life - I want to be better about recording the journey.  God is doing lots of cool stuff around here.

Later...

I had the best of intentions to keep this blog light and fluffy.  Who really wants to hear someone moan and gripe and complain all the time? Certainly not me.  Talk about Debbie Downer (wah-wah).  Growing up (insert steady stream of consciousness here) my mom had a friend from high school who would send out newsletters about once or twice a year to catch people up on her life.  Unfortunately all she could seem to focus on was the negative stuff.  You know - glass half full kind of pessimism...My parents would end up laughing their way through the letters because they were filled to the brim with all of the negative crap going on in her life (and seriously, my parents are some of the nicest people you will ever meet - they weren't being ugly, I promise), and they would finally reach the point of laughing because there was just no other response to have...

I have this serious fear that somehow I am going to end up like that friend.  I am constantly trying to figure out how to be real and not plastic (as in being honest with others and sharing struggles, rather than constantly faking that I have it all together), not walking in denial of the hurts, habits and hangups in my life while trying to balance all of the good things and not sound ALL.OF.THE.TIME like life sucks.  Make sense?  I don't know how to find the middle ground, but desperately want to.  I want to be real, but not depressing.

With all of that said, this is not light and fluffy feel good time.  Feel free to stop reading if you want.

Truth is, I am really having hard time right now.  I am really tired of being alone.  I was doing okay with being single.  But now I am not.  And it sucks because in addition to the loneliness, I have to battle the tapes that continually play in my head when I feel like this.  The ones that say that I am not enough (not pretty enough, not thin enough, not feminine enough, not petite enough, not sweet enough, and so on...) or that I am too much (too loud, too emotional, too opinionated, too big, too independent, too DEPENDENT (yeah - figure that one out and get back to me), too standoffish, blah, blah, blah).  It is relentless, unforgiving, harsh, and only gets worse and worse .  Makes me want to do 2 things. 1)  Go back to old ways of self-destructive and harmful ways of coping (because it is what is familiar and comfortable) and 2) dig a hole to climb in and hide for a long time.

I do have enough perspective to realize that these feelings come in cycles and that this too shall pass at some point.  I have the advantage of knowing what I NEED to do (seek the Lord, continually remind myself who I am in Christ, spend time in the Word, gather the support of people who love me, etc)...however, I am really, really tired and don't even feel like fighting to follow through on those things.  (which starts a new tape-playing in my head about what a freaking cry-baby whinebag quitter I am...grrr)

So there you go.  Pray if you will.  Hopefully you will have light and fluffy Havah back soon.

So here's the deal, yo.

My computer is old.  And xanga is being...well - I wanted to type a bad word there, but instead shall just say that it is being difficult and not at all user friendly for this particular user.

(really trying to watch my mouth/guard my words.  I've been rather lax in that department for the last couple of years and am more than a little embarrassed at some of the things that I have allowed to slip out lately.  We could totally get into the whole 'out of the abundance (or lack thereof) of the heart, the mouth speaks'...but that is too big a can of worms for me to open at 11pm.)

((Because of this recent trend in attempting to tame my tongue, I have adopted a new phrase.  If you hang with me for longer than - ohhhhhhh - 20 seconds - you are likely to hear me say 'Oh dear'.  It is my new response to multiple situations.  Try it - it fits as a response for just about anything!  Revolutionary, I tell you))

(((And because the rabbit trail above wasn't quite long enough, I will add one more thing.  I have actually been saying 'Oh dear' so much that it has become a conditioned response and it is starting to irritate me when I hear myself say it.  HAH!  How is that for trying to do something good and having it bite you in the ole hiney?  Time to start looking for a new substitute catchall phrase I suppose.)))

End rabbit trail.

At any rate (picking up where I left off)...Consequently I cannot get pictures posted right now.

Which is a serious bummer that I am going to have to figure out a way to work around, because I have got some fun memories to share and don't want to miss out on the picture aspect.

For now I am going to bed.  I think I may try to get up and get some movement in before I get ready for work (can't call it exercise - that is too big a commitment right now).  We shall see what happens.  I have GOT to do something about how I look and feel.  Can't handle it at all right now.

Carry on then.  Talk to you all sooner rather than later...

Happy New Year everyone.  This would be a good place probably to go back and rehash the good and bad of 2010, but I am WORN.OUT. just thinking about trying to do that, and it is late, and I had a couple of glasses of wine that are making me sleepy, and it is overwhelming to try and sum stuff up right now, SO.  For now I will just say Happy New Year. 

I think I shall try to update with all the happy Christmas stuff tomorrow (haha - we shall see if that actually works out or not)....so much good stuff to share. 

I don't have any new years resolutions.  I tend to stink at the follow-through and then it just adds unnecessary guilt and pressure to my life, so I am not doing that to myself this year.  (is that terrible?  does that mean that I don't have any goals?  because surely that is not true...Hmmmm - going to maybe need to think through this a bit more). 

Seriously though - if I can make it through the year long step-study process with Celebrate Recovery this year I think I will feel like it has been a successful year   That may be a good start to my new years resolution list.

Maybe blogging more should be on that list as well?