May 20, 2008

• I know, I know...it has been forever.

  In my defense however, since you last heard from me, life has been rather hectic and a bit overwhelming at times...so settle in as I explain...  

  Let's see.  I was in the car crash on Friday, the 2nd of May.  If you recall, I was on my way to school to finish and turn in my last *monster* paper of the semester.  Needless to say, the paper was not completed and turned in on time, but seeing as it was my professor for that particular class that came and retrieved me from the side of the road as my car was getting towed away, she generously gave me an extension to finish the paper with no penalties.  [wow - I just realized what a long, run-on sentence that was]

  Whew.  I was relieved to not be penalized, but a little stressed to still have it hanging over my head.

  I then headed into a full work week, finals and finishing up the paper.  Fortunately for me, most of the hard stuff for finals and the end of the semester was already done, because I was hugely distracted by the whole car situation and feeling a little overwhelmed with it all. 

  The Tuesday after the accident, I got the confirmation that they had decided to total my car rather than repair it.

  Wednesday the insurance company contacted me and told me the amount that they were giving the bank for the cars assessed value.  While they were fair, it still left me responsible for approximately $3100 on my car loan.

  GULP.

  Yeah, I was a little freaked out to still owe that amount on my car while simultaneously not having a vehicle.  [My parents have very graciously loaned me their 'get around town' Geo Tracker to get to school and work while we figure out what I should do next - just in case you were wondering]

  At any rate - Wednesday after hearing from the insurance company, I called the guy who sold me the car and told him that I was going to be looking for another vehicle soon.  I had told him a little of the situation, and about still owing on the last loan, so he asked if I had purchased GAP insurance when I bought the car from them.

  I really didn't think that I had, but he put me on hold to check anyway, and what do you know?  Apparently I had made a super good decision when I bought the car and had gotten the gap insurance - which basically means that the gap insurance will be taking care of the remaining $$ on the loan, and I will end up not owing anything.  I cried I was so relieved.  I cannot even tell you how grateful I am.

  So the semester ended on that following Thursday, and I jumped right into my first summer class this past Monday.  It is a two week, three credit hour class titled 'Victims and Society'.  Basically I am in class four and a half hours a day, five days a week, but contrary to how horrible that sounds, I am actually really enjoying it.  It is super interesting - the content is difficult sometimes, and there have been a couple of days that the subject matter has hit a little close for comfort, but overall it is a super good class.

  Grades were posted for the spring semester over the weekend - I somehow managed to make straight A's again - I am still not sure how that happened in a couple of the classes, but am pretty excited about it.  It probably shouldn't matter as much to me as it does - I know that my worth is not dependent on my performance, but it sure feels good to see all of that hard work pay off.

  So all of that to say - sorry for the absence...but I really had good reason! 

  This weekend I head to NWA for Logan's graduation.  I am so grateful that I get to be there - to celebrate an amazing young man and his accomplishments.  That will be another post, I think...

  It will be good to get away for a few days and to see lots of old friends.  To be surrounded by familiar comfort on a difficult weekend...

  **WARNING - THIS POST ABOUT TO END ON A NOT-SO-UPBEAT NOTE - NO NEED TO READ FURTHER IF YOU ARE HAVING A HARD DAY**
  

  
  This week has been an exercise in trying not to focus on the upcoming anniversary of Aundrea's death.  I find myself far too often thinking 'this time last year....'  I am amazed that the magnitude of this loss still knocks the breath out of me and leaves me gasping for air.  It has been difficult to focus on work/school/everything else this week.  Tears so close to the surface most of the time.  I lost part of my heart on May 24, 2007.  It seems impossible that a year has passed, flying by while feeling like forever all at the same time.  I don't want to 'wallow' in this, but how does one deal with the reality of loss and mourn and not wallow?  That is what I think I get hung up on sometimes.

  I know that I am not alone in feeling this way.  I know that I am not the only one that still misses her desperately.  I know I am not the only one missing her laugh and her smile and her holding my hand.  Somehow that doesn't really make me feel any better.

  What does make me feel better?  Remembering that she is now healed and whole.   She gets to climb up in the lap of her Savior and sing with angels.  I don't get it, and don't know that I ever will.  Weird that I can smile over the thought of her in heaven, and cry over the missing at the same time....

  All of that to say...I don't understand.  I don't know why.  The only thing I know is that God is still in control.  I don't like it today, but I am choosing to trust Him.  I am still in the palm of His hand. 

  Holding on to that today.
  

   

  • 2:32 am
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